monthly update...

this past month, i've :

1. discarded 3 person from my "care list" and added one new person. ppl come and go.

2. survived one of the hardest birthday eve ever.

3. randomly played WoW.

4. learned how to play Puerto Rico, Power Grid, Smallworld & Pandemic.

5. fell in love more and more with photography.

6. thought that i can make money doing it.

7. thought that "busy" means that "sorry, i'm not hanging out with you anymore no matter how hard you asked me for it".

8. used the webcam more than i've ever did ever since i got this laptop.

9. found out that this laptop is actually a tank.

10. felt shitty to be ignored.. again.

you know i'm no good...

i'm 30 today.

the board has been cleared. my hand has been replenished.
it's my turn and i got a bomb hand.

hehehe..

kan senang dari dulu macam nih! haih..

happy birthday to me..

things to do...at least for the next 29 days...

1. finish reading at least 5 books this month.

2. start writing treatments and synopsis for "z.a.m", the "doco-werk", and at least an action story.

3. start writing proposal.

4. play more L4D.

5. flip coin on whether to wing chun or to waltz.

6. watch more movies.

7. be nice.

8. take more pictures.

9. process more pictures.

10. sleep.

another tale from the slums...

call it ritual, call it routine, but in 11 days i'll be 30, and usually around this time, i'm back into my deep depression mode.

here's the situation : nothing's changed since my last birthday , i'm still alone, i'm broke, my work contract just got cancelled for no reason, i'm still driving the same car, and my heartaches all the time everyday.

i read somewhere a few days ago that "life isn't about being happy alone, is about being happy with someone you want to share it with". how absolutely-fuckingly true.

i just hate being alone. i hate being lonely.

fuck i'll be 30 soon! should i really freak out?

left right and center i see friends and acquaintances getting married, having babies, getting on with their life. what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life?

again, what good is all this talents if i can't make money out of it?

why is the person u want most, will always always don't want you back? it's so unfair when other ppl can change boyfriends/girlfriends in a matter of days and stay in love with that person till it ends. or at least till one of them decides to leave the other. and that whole cycle starts again, in a matter of days.

if i can only have one wish this year for my birthday, is for a relationship. someone to love me back just the way that i love her.. someone to hear my stories late at nite when i couldn't sleep and complains to me the next day on how sleepy she was because i dragged her into talking to me till wee hours in the morning... someone who will laugh at my jokes, no matter how crude or bad it was.. someone who will always talk to me into my stupid ideas when i need them and not be afraid to tell me the truth.. someone who hugs me and kisses me from time to time to say that everything is alright...

i am sad now..

i really do..