ladies and gentleman..

.. the 500th post.

it's been a long time coming. ever since i've realized that this will be the milestone 500th post, my mind has been racing thinking about what should i write. should i tell a story? should i just write an update? should this post dedicated to someone? should this post be another one of my random observations?

well as if now (as i'm typing this), i simply do not know.

many things happened between post 499 and this one. many thing have changed. i got a company. registered properly, with an office, a fully equipped photo studio, and some jobs lined up on different parts of my work spectrum.

tomorrow (July 1st) will mark a birth of a new entity. the company will start doin business officially. welcome Rinara Spectrum Sdn Bhd. i have so many expectations for you. and i can't wait for a great adventure with you. heheh..

looking at my business card says it all.

"Creative Director".

i've always wanted to be one. and now i got it. complete with huge responsibilities. oh how i love those.

on the other front of my life, i've been happier. as cliche'd as this sounds, i'm once again in a relationship. i'm not gonna spill anything since both of us decided to keep this under the lid. it's all good. it's all very very good. the best thing that happened to my life so far. the force is strong in this one.

so for the next 3-4 years, u bet i will work my ass off to :

1. pay all my debts (credit cards, loans, etc)
2. find a place to stay (most probably getting a mortgage)
3. get myself a new and better car.
4. have savings so that i can finally get married (mom wants a grand kid already, can't blame her)
5. balance off my jobs and contracts and get more money!

here's to me. here's to my gf. here's to my company. here's to my future.

over the years since i had this blog (2004), so many things happened that shaped me into what i am now. i've met a lot of people, lost a lot of friends and some dignity, learnt a lot about the world, taught myself how to do business, ate a lot of cool food, listened to a lot of cool music, performed randomly here and there meeting up cool crowds, became a club DJ and quit, wrote a few verses, co-wrote a few songs, played a lot of games (electronic and physical form), recieved a lot of hugs and kisses, not to mention curses and kicks, worked in an international web design firm, entered middle management, wrote posts in Malay and back to English, been face to face with death twice, and most importantly.. i grew up.

500 post later. here i am. 30 years old, with so much passion and enthusiasm in life. with a clear view of the "big picture". and some..

i can't wait to wake up tomorrow. let's make a difference ppl.

funny how love and passion can change someone.. hehehe..

nite guys...

clef treble..

it's everywhere. everywhere you go, everywhere you turn to, everywhere you look, you will notice it. it's been one of the earliest form of entertainment known to mankind. it can shape and tell a story about a civilization.

it's music.

my life is full of them. i constantly have a beat in my head that i hum to every second. from time to time, i will remember songs and will hum to its tune for the whole day and end up downloading it (if i don't have it in my collection).

as i write this, Aerials from System Of A Down is blaring from my earphones.

i love music. i play them, i made them sometimes, i sing it all the time. music was my first talent. since that fated day during form 1, i've discovered my inner musician.

you see, during the early days of form 1, everyone is required to join a uniformed body in school or risk not getting their result at the end of year. yeah i know it was very anal of the school to implement that policy. but hey, what can i do, rite? so there's like 6 uniformed body in school. none of them tickled my fancy. but i need to be apart of something real quick. so when a form 2 senior walked into my class and yelled "hey! who wants to join the school band?" i thought "this should be ok, how hard it is to march anyway?"

and i signed up.

fast forward form 3, i was one of the most talented side drummer the school has ever seen along with another prodigy. both of us rocked the school band hard. we were the face of the band.

funny how we aren't even seniors and they have been talking about one of us being the sergeant (second in command) while the other will be the drum major and the band will be in its glory again. it was in decline since late 80's when suddenly it's not cool to be good in school.

i can't remember how many shows we rocked. how many crowd we've wowed. but it was all good. it was fun. and i have all eyes on me. us, the side drummers.

from that time i know i am good at something. and it's not a thing that anyone can do. it takes pure talent to do what we do coz we had no notes, no nothing guiding us except our ears and our hearts and passion.

i miss being in the school band. maybe i should organize a reunion. maybe.. if only i can find the boys back.

so from playing in a school band, to rocking a club with my mixes, to touring in a bus performing in random shopping complexes and universities, to making 20,000 ppl jump and scream in sync on my count, i've done it all.

of coz i've never won any award for it. but it was more to personal accomplishment rather than public recognition that i wanted. i've always like that.

so what's next if you ask me. i simply do not know. i still have plans to release a single (and that's it) but so far, all my materials are full of angst and hate. and i don't think i have a place here doin that kinda songs.

and, i'm not only limited to doin a hip hop single. i can still play instruments remember? hehehe. hence i might come up with a band and just try to get our act right. and i still have my ms darkside to provide vocals for me for a duet. or i can program one dance house track and send it to my sifu for him to spin on Red FM.

there's so many things that i can do. hmm... i might need to roll a die.

with music, i've met a lot of ppl. good, bad, weird, freaky, beautiful, loving.

it's all good. good vibes.

*smiles*

monthly update...

this past month, i've :

1. discarded 3 person from my "care list" and added one new person. ppl come and go.

2. survived one of the hardest birthday eve ever.

3. randomly played WoW.

4. learned how to play Puerto Rico, Power Grid, Smallworld & Pandemic.

5. fell in love more and more with photography.

6. thought that i can make money doing it.

7. thought that "busy" means that "sorry, i'm not hanging out with you anymore no matter how hard you asked me for it".

8. used the webcam more than i've ever did ever since i got this laptop.

9. found out that this laptop is actually a tank.

10. felt shitty to be ignored.. again.

you know i'm no good...

i'm 30 today.

the board has been cleared. my hand has been replenished.
it's my turn and i got a bomb hand.

hehehe..

kan senang dari dulu macam nih! haih..

happy birthday to me..

things to do...at least for the next 29 days...

1. finish reading at least 5 books this month.

2. start writing treatments and synopsis for "z.a.m", the "doco-werk", and at least an action story.

3. start writing proposal.

4. play more L4D.

5. flip coin on whether to wing chun or to waltz.

6. watch more movies.

7. be nice.

8. take more pictures.

9. process more pictures.

10. sleep.

another tale from the slums...

call it ritual, call it routine, but in 11 days i'll be 30, and usually around this time, i'm back into my deep depression mode.

here's the situation : nothing's changed since my last birthday , i'm still alone, i'm broke, my work contract just got cancelled for no reason, i'm still driving the same car, and my heartaches all the time everyday.

i read somewhere a few days ago that "life isn't about being happy alone, is about being happy with someone you want to share it with". how absolutely-fuckingly true.

i just hate being alone. i hate being lonely.

fuck i'll be 30 soon! should i really freak out?

left right and center i see friends and acquaintances getting married, having babies, getting on with their life. what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life?

again, what good is all this talents if i can't make money out of it?

why is the person u want most, will always always don't want you back? it's so unfair when other ppl can change boyfriends/girlfriends in a matter of days and stay in love with that person till it ends. or at least till one of them decides to leave the other. and that whole cycle starts again, in a matter of days.

if i can only have one wish this year for my birthday, is for a relationship. someone to love me back just the way that i love her.. someone to hear my stories late at nite when i couldn't sleep and complains to me the next day on how sleepy she was because i dragged her into talking to me till wee hours in the morning... someone who will laugh at my jokes, no matter how crude or bad it was.. someone who will always talk to me into my stupid ideas when i need them and not be afraid to tell me the truth.. someone who hugs me and kisses me from time to time to say that everything is alright...

i am sad now..

i really do..

i'm tired...

it's April now. and i'm back in my sombre mood.

it's like i got a million things to say in my head, to a certain someone. just that, i wished i know how.

sometimes i wished i could see the future, or read ppl's thoughts. i know it won't be pretty, but somehow, it'll be a great thing to do in times like these.

*sigh..